February 14, 2008 I will never forget going to the doctor's office to have my first ultrasound. We were 12 weeks pregnant and were elated to be pregnant after almost 3 years of marriage. I never expected the doctor to say there was no heartbeat. I never expected the doctor to say the word miscarriage. I never expected to be a mother on a journey with no child in my arms. I never expected Valentine's Day to be a reminder of the loss love of a dream and promise. I never expected this from a God that loves me.
Can I be honest? This hurt and 16 years later it still hurts. Doing the math right now, I just realized we could have had a 16 year old child today. Over the years, I have dealt with sadness, disappointment, shame, confusion, anger, denial, depression, anxiety...It's been a long journey of pain and suffering. To know that I was created to serve as a Mother and then have so many challenges in fulfilling my purpose was beyond frustrating. It was heart breaking.
It made me question the meaning of love. Is this love? Love is supposed to be kind. Love is supposed to give and not take, right? If God loved me, why did He allow this to happen? If God loved me, why didn't He answer my prayers? If God loved me, why did He give and then take away? If God loved me, where is my consolation?
Sixteen years later and I still do not have answers for all of my questions. I spent this Valentine's Day at the pediatric cardiologist's office with our 10 month old foster child. She was born very early and only weighed a pound at birth. She is truly a miracle. The cardiologist was pleased to share her heart murmur is gone and all concerns regarding her heart are also gone. She does not need to return for follow up. Thanks be to God.
As I reflect on the loss of our first child, I also reflect on the gain of our last child. God loves us so much that He allowed my husband and I to care for a child whose physical heart needed healing. In doing so, He provided an opportunity for my heart to be healed as well. That is love.
Consider joining Journey to Joy. Journey to Joy is a safe community for women to heal when faced with loss such as infertility, miscarriage, and/or stillbirth.
To learn more about Tacole's story, consider purchasing Getting to Joy: A Mother's Journey with Infertility, Miscarriage, and Stillbirth.
Register today for the first book club gathering of this year. We are reading Getting to Joy: A Mother's Journey with Infertility, Miscarriage, and Stillbirth.
Elder Tacole,
Your journey, marked by such profound loss and poignant reflection, touches the deepest parts of the human experience. Your candid sharing on a day that brings a mix of heartache and love to the surface is truly moving.
To bear a dream within you, to nurture it with hope, and to then have it slip away is a pain that words can barely encompass. Yet, in the sharing of your story, there is a powerful testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the complexity of love in all its forms. Love does indeed give, and sometimes it takes away, leaving us with questions that might never find answers.
However, love also manifests in unexpected ways, as…
Beautiful testimony! It’s amazing how God can turn our heartache into joy.
Beautiful story. Thanks for sharing. She truly is a miracle and is blessed to have you both.